A History Of Thanksgiving :: A Comical Look At Thanksgiving

A History of Thanksgiving

1492 - Christopher Columbus discovers America, unless you count the native peoples already living there. Columbus doesn't. Columbus and crew celebrate by holding a dinner, giving thanks for their safe arrival. Embarrassment ensues when every Indian brings maize, and nobody brings pumpkin pie.

1620 - Pilgrim men invent sport of football to avoid helping clean up after Thanksgiving dinner.

1671 - First embarrassing drunken relatives at Thanksgiving dinner, as Captain John Smith's parents tell Pocahontas the "hilarious" old "I got lost in the maize" joke for the hundredth time.

1701 - At a historic Thanksgiving dinner, Dutch settlers unveil historic "Indians Give Us All Of Their Land Treaty." Due to an unfortunate oversight, the Indians are left off of the invite list, and the treaty is signed without them.

1776 - Excited that his British in-laws finally agreed to meet him for Thanksgiving dinner, silversmith Paul Revere rides through Boston announcing the news. Unfortunately, many colonists misinterpret his cry "the British are coming!" as a warning, leading to the Revolutionary War.

1812 - At an international Thanksgiving dinner, King George of England, still hurting from losing the Revolutionary War, challenges United States President James Madison to "best 2 out of 3."

1860 - At a Senate Thanksgiving dinner, the seven-year-old son of Alabama's Senator Richard Applebee insults the Senators from Massachusetts, New York, and Pennsylvania, sparking the Civil War. The tradition of the "children's table" is instituted in 1861.

1903 - Canada steals idea of Thanksgiving holiday, placing it in October, so they can say it was their idea first.

1928 - To commemorate "our nation's greatest era of prosperity that will last forever and ever," President Herbert Hoover dumps ceremonial ten thousand turkeys into the Potomac River.

1929 - Following the Great Stock Market Crash, thousands of men go Turkey Diving in the Potomac River.

1957 - Declaring her spicy stuffing "a communist threat to undermine my health via heartburn," Senator Joe McCarthy has his wife placed under arrest as a Soviet saboteur.

1969 - The world's largest Eat-In event goes sour. Thousands of hippies start having bad trips when bad "brown gravy" gets passed around.

1991 - When Dan Quayle takes ill on Thanksgiving; a turkey is sworn as Vice President for three days. No change is noticed.

1997 - Strong natural tranquilizer tryptophane is discovered in turkey. A Colombian cartel immediately starts selling "pure" turkey on the streets for $500 an ounce. Turkey farmers get involved in drive-by shootings, and the U.S. government declares a national fowl emergency.

2002 - America is on a terrorist alert. It is now against the law to stuff a turkey since anyone is suspicious of hiding explosives. Saddam Hussein is caught trying to smuggle Turkeys filled with WMD's in containers bound for the US.

Matric Dresses - How Old Matric Dresses Saved The Year

By Kanina Foss (Story originally from www.iol.co.za)

A simple idea has turned a stressful situation into a fairytale for 18 schoolgirls from Soweto who were facing their matric dances without enough money to buy dresses.

Fairy godmother Michelle Lissoos was approached by a cleaner at her company who told her she couldn't afford to make her daughter's big night as special as she deserved.

Lissoos, who - when she's not making matric girls' dreams come true - is the managing director of Learnthings Africa, knew that many of her friends had old dresses, shoes and jewellery that they never wore.

She put two and two together to come up with a plan that gained a surprising amount of momentum as more women heard about it.

"The women really rose to the occasion. They have things in their cupboards that they don't want to throw out, but they are happy if they know it's going to a good cause," she said.

The dresses started arriving - slinky gold silk, cheeky turquoise frills, full-bodied ball gowns, seductive crushed velvet and floral beaded bodices.

The accessories came too - strappy sandals with sexy high heels, and glittery handbags with delicate clasps.

In Soweto, word spread, and Lissoos started getting calls from other mothers who had daughters in matric.

"One mother started crying when she saw her baby all dressed up," Lissoos said.

On Sunday, 12 of the girls visited Lissoos together to choose their dresses. Lissoos wanted to make the experience like shopping at a boutique.

The dresses were hung on a rail and the shoes and accessories were neatly laid out. "Welcome to your matric dance shop," she said as the girls arrived in their jeans and T-shirts.

Minutes later, they were transformed, each with a radiant smile and a dress perfectly suited to her body type and personality. There was no fighting - each girl seemed to know exactly which dress was meant for her.

They wore their outfits with pride, and seemed to be checking to make sure the fairytale was real as they stroked their jewellery, smoothed their dresses over their hips and held their feet aloft to admire their shoes.

Part of their joy was the relief of knowing their parents wouldn't have to struggle to find the money needed to fulfil this important rite of passage.

"Now we can start our exams stress-free," said 17-year-old Sandra Nyathi from Supreme Education College.

Best of all, the soon-to-be beauties of the ball get to keep their glass slippers and everything else!

Top 10 Differences Between Cats & Dogs

1. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you.
2. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on your life.
3. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.
4. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper. Cats might bring you a dead mouse.
5. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take a three-hour nap.
6. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private box or they will not go at all.
7. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from work. Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.
8. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk and walk away.
9. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats will yawn and close their eyes.
10. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

Cat Quotes

Cat: A pygmy lion who loves mice, hates dogs and patronizes human beings. - Oliver Herford

Some people say man is the most dangerous animal on the planet. Obviously those people have never met an angry cat. - Lillian Johnson

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose. - Garrison Keillor

If cats could talk, they would lie to you. - Rob Kopack

The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it. - Doug Larson

Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you. - Mary Bly

Legal vs Moral

This article was taken from news24.co.za. Credit paid where credit is due!!!!!!
13/10/2008 09:07 - (SA)

Colleen Figg

Everyone knows the small print on service contracts is a means for the supplying company to wriggle out of certain obligations in the event of something going wrong.

Once you've passed the legal majority, signed your first contract and had a run-in when you have tried to cancel it because it is not providing you with what was promised, you are unpleasantly familiar with the slippery slope that is a company's actual legal responsibility to you.

However, back in the dark ages when companies first became established there was a tacit acceptance on the part of the supplier that his legal obligation was not the only one he actually had to his customers.

There was the much more subtle, yet equally important, moral responsibility which has become something of a dirty word in today's money whoring business world.

A moral responsibility exists to fulfil a contract to, or understanding with, your client. Hence, if you recommend that he uses a certain kind of flooring that is absolutely intolerant of rainy conditions when he lives on a flood plain, you would have a moral obligation to replace his damaged floors after the first flood, at no charge.

Today's "businessmen" want no truck with such nonsense: you signed the contract, you promised to pay, now cough up - is it his fault you had rains for two weeks? Is he God? Quite clearly not, so fork over and shut up about it why don't you?

In fact had you read the terms of the contract you would have seen that he specifically exonerated himself from any obligation concerning flood damage! More fool you. Why don't you get with the programme?

A moral duty

The double whammy here is that not only are you shafted - almost literally and not in any pleasurable way - you are made to pay for the pleasure too! Unfortunately from a legal perspective the slimy conmen are quite right - it was on the contract and you did sign it.

The good news is that last week I discovered two gentlemen who do not fall into this morally reprehensible majority when I discovered that since I moved down here my wireless internet coverage does not work; well, I mean there is no coverage here.

The first few people I spoke droned on about contracts and legalities, fine print and signatures and would not let me upgrade my contract or change to another one.

But these two exceptional men realised they as supplier have a moral duty to me as a client, that far exceeds their legal liability and which may even outweigh the latter, in fact.

I'm not allowed to disclose any names at the moment, or any company names. Nothing has been resolved and they are still working to find a way around the situation that will help me, their client.

They are in constant contact with me via e-mail and phone, and the last thing one of them said to me today was that it completely defeats the object of his job to have an unhappy client who they could have helped if people were only interested in looking at a thing from a different angle.

Bravo, I say!

Strange Statements Made During Job Interviews

"Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct."

"I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker."

"I never get hungry."

"I know who is responsible for most of my troubles."

"If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival."

"I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me."

"My legs are really hairy."

"I think I'm going to throw-up."

"At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking."

"I feel uneasy indoors."

"Sometimes I feel like smashing things."

"Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars."

You might be in Education if

1. You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
2. You find humor in other people's stupidity.
3. You believe "shallow gene pool" should have it's own box on the report card.
4. When out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at a child you do not know and correct their behavior.
5. When you mention "vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.
6. You think people should be required to get a government permit to reproduce.
7. You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the "lounge".
8. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
9. You can't have children because there's no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it uttered.
10. You think caffeine should be available to staff in IV form.
11. You want to choke a person who says, "Oh, you must have such fun every day. This must be like playtime for you."
12. Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"

Strange Celebrity Quotes

You can't stay married in a situation where you are afraid to go to sleep in case your wife might cut your throat. - Mike Tyson

The one thing I do not want to be called is First Lady. It sounds like a saddle horse. - Jacqueline Kennedy

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl. - Joan Rivers

I'd rather be dead than singing "Satisfaction" when I'm forty-five. - Mick Jagger

It's a drag having to wear socks during matches, because the tan, like, stops at the ankles. I can never get my skin, like, color coordinated. - Monica Seles

Sometimes I feel like an old hooker. - Cher

Insults With Class

Insults With Class!

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" -- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -- Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." -- Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain

Answers on the SAT's - Monday Morning Funnies

Actual SAT Test Answers in Arkansas

S.A.T. TEST QUESTIONS

The following questions and answers were actually collected from SAT tests given in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16-year-old students! (Don't laugh too hard----one of these kids may be the US President someday.)

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.