"Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct."
"I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker."
"I never get hungry."
"I know who is responsible for most of my troubles."
"If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival."
"I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me."
"My legs are really hairy."
"I think I'm going to throw-up."
"At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking."
"I feel uneasy indoors."
"Sometimes I feel like smashing things."
"Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars."
13 October 2008
08 October 2008
You might be in Education if
- You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
- You find humor in other people's stupidity.
- You believe "shallow gene pool" should have it's own box on the report card.
- When out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at a child you do not know and correct their behavior.
- When you mention "vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.
- You think people should be required to get a government permit to reproduce.
- You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the "lounge".
- You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
- You can't have children because there's no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it uttered.
- You think caffeine should be available to staff in IV form.
- You want to choke a person who says, "Oh, you must have such fun every day. This must be like playtime for you."
- Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"
Strange Celebrity Quotes
You can't stay married in a situation where you are afraid to go to sleep in case your wife might cut your throat. - Mike Tyson
The one thing I do not want to be called is First Lady. It sounds like a saddle horse. - Jacqueline Kennedy
There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl. - Joan Rivers
I'd rather be dead than singing "Satisfaction" when I'm forty-five. - Mick Jagger
It's a drag having to wear socks during matches, because the tan, like, stops at the ankles. I can never get my skin, like, color coordinated. - Monica Seles
Sometimes I feel like an old hooker. - Cher
The one thing I do not want to be called is First Lady. It sounds like a saddle horse. - Jacqueline Kennedy
There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl. - Joan Rivers
I'd rather be dead than singing "Satisfaction" when I'm forty-five. - Mick Jagger
It's a drag having to wear socks during matches, because the tan, like, stops at the ankles. I can never get my skin, like, color coordinated. - Monica Seles
Sometimes I feel like an old hooker. - Cher
04 September 2008
Insults With Class
Insults With Class!
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -- Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" -- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -- Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." -- Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain
01 September 2008
Answers on the SAT's - Monday Morning Funnies
Actual SAT Test Answers in Arkansas
S.A.T. TEST QUESTIONS
The following questions and answers were actually collected from SAT tests given in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16-year-old students! (Don't laugh too hard----one of these kids may be the US President someday.)
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.
S.A.T. TEST QUESTIONS
The following questions and answers were actually collected from SAT tests given in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16-year-old students! (Don't laugh too hard----one of these kids may be the US President someday.)
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.
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